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Difficult Conversations

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The primary peril of all-or-nothing thinking is that it leaves our identity extremely unstable, making us hypersensitive to feedback. — location: 1933 ^ref-58905

the bigger the gap between what we hope is true and what we fear is true, the easier it is for us to lose our balance. — location: 1948 ^ref-35296

Improving your ability to manage the Identity Conversation has two steps. First, you need to become familiar with those identity issues that are important to you, so you can spot them during a conversation. — location: 1961 ^ref-42778

Second, you need to learn to integrate new information into your identity in ways that are healthy – a step that requires you to let go of all-or-nothing thinking. — location: 1962 ^ref-51879

moving away from the false choice between “I am perfect” and “I am worthless,” and trying to get as clear a picture as you can about what is actually true about you. — location: 1988 ^ref-26450

Ben can feel good about many of his actions and choices, and ambivalent or regretful about others. Life is too complex for any reasonable person to feel otherwise. Indeed, a self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust; it provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand. — location: 2002 ^ref-11430

The more easily you can admit to your own mistakes, your own mixed intentions, and your own contributions to the problem, the more balanced you will feel during the conversation, and the higher the chances it will go well. — location: 2009 ^ref-63174

One reason people are reluctant to admit mistakes is that they fear being seen as weak or incompetent. Yet often, generally competent people who take the possibility of mistakes in stride are seen as confident, secure, and “big enough” not to have to be perfect, whereas those who resist acknowledging even the possibility of a mistake are seen as insecure and lacking confidence. No one is fooled. — location: 2023 ^ref-64626

By being honest with herself about the complexity of her motivations, Sally has a better chance of staying on her feet if the accusation of having bad intentions arises. — location: 2031 ^ref-3948

Learn to Regain Your Balance — location: 2053 ^ref-7818

Four things you can do before and during a difficult conversation to help yourself maintain and regain your balance include: letting go of trying to control their reaction, preparing for their response, imagining the future to gain perspective, and if you lose your balance, taking a break. — location: 2060 ^ref-21567

dismissing the feelings that the other person is experiencing in the moment is disastrous. You may intend the message “Everything will be all right,” but the message the other person is likely to hear is “I don’t understand how you feel” or worse, “You’re not allowed to be upset by this.” — location: 2078 ^ref-28573

Instead of trying to control the other person’s reaction, prepare for it. — location: 2092 ^ref-46308

consider whether any of these responses implicate identity issues for you. If so, imagine they respond in the most difficult manner possible, and ask yourself, “What do I think this says about me?” — location: 2096 ^ref-13079

You’ll be astounded how often difficult conversations are wrapped up in both people reacting to what the conversation seems to be saying about them. — location: 2134 ^ref-21803

Some people say letting go is a choice. Others think it happens only when the conditions are right — after contrition has been shown, after you’ve found a new relationship, or after you’ve been forgiven. What does it take to be able truly to let go? To open your palm and let the bitterness and exasperation and hurt and shame sift through your fingers? We don’t presume to know. And we’re suspicious of anyone who thinks there’s an easy formula. Probably, it is something different for each of us. What we do know is that letting go usually takes time, and that it is rarely a simple journey. It’s not easy to find a place where you can set free the pain, or shame, you carry from your experiences. A place where you can tell the story differently in your head — where you can relinquish the role of victim or villain, and give yourself and the other person roles that are more complex and liberating. A place where you can accept yourself for who you’ve been and who you are. If someone tells you that you should have gotten over something or someone by now, don’t believe it. Believing there’s some appropriate time frame for getting over something is just one more way to keep yourself stuck. But neither should you believe that there’s nothing you can do to enable yourself to let go, or that it just takes time. There’s plenty you can do to help yourself down that road. — location: 2310 ^ref-16191

an important rule about inquiry: If you don’t have a question, don’t ask a question. — location: 2798 ^ref-46376