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In Sheeps Clothing

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Unconsciously, they felt on the defensive, but consciously they had trouble seeing their manipulator as merely a person on the offensive. — location: 195 ^ref-44413

losing. When you’re being manipulated, chances are someone is fighting with you for position, advantage, or gain, but in a way that’s difficult to readily see. Covert-aggression is at the heart of most manipulation. — location: 199 ^ref-59193

when we fight unnecessarily, or with little concern about how others are being affected, our behavior is most appropriately labeled aggressive. In a civilized world, undisciplined fighting (aggression) is almost always a problem. — location: 222 ^ref-43604

covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, they’re using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover. — location: 239 ^ref-7733

It’s hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally unnerved, so you’re less likely to recognize the tactics for what they really are. — location: 262 ^ref-14907

Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when to do so and how hard to press. Our lack of self-awareness can easily set us up to be exploited. — location: 268 ^ref-51706

We’re more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator’s character. — location: 276 ^ref-9914

and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in so many of their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness-expanding. — location: 279 ^ref-54774

We may try to analyze the situation to death instead of simply responding to the attack. We almost never think that the person is simply fighting to get something they want, to have their way with us, or gain the upper hand. — location: 292 ^ref-315

Therapists who tend to see any kind of aggression not as a problem in itself but as a “symptom” of an underlying inadequacy, insecurity or unconscious fear, may focus so intently on their patient’s supposed “inner conflict” that they overlook the aggressive behaviors most responsible for problems. — location: 318 ^ref-53292

never learned how to fight constructively or fairly. They might have learned to mistrust their ability to win a fair fight. — location: 651 ^ref-42445

Truly learning (i.e. internalizing) a lesson in life always involves submitting oneself to a higher authority, power, or moral principle. The reason aggressive personalities don’t change is because they don’t submit. — location: 658 ^ref-60363

The importance of crafting win-win scenarios in dealings with manipulators will be discussed in more detail — location: 782 ^ref-24682

I hope you can see your way to stay on, although I’ll certainly understand if you feel you just have to go.” — location: 883 ^ref-31624

seduces others into giving him loyalty by appearing to support them. — location: 890 ^ref-55506

Al also lies. Maybe he doesn’t lie overtly, but he lies by omission (covertly) with ease. — location: 891 ^ref-23704

Such slick maneuvering is the hallmark of a covert-aggressive personality. — location: 899 ^ref-28701

there’s a difference between the fair competition that breeds excellence and the crafty, underhanded maneuvering that sometimes wreaks havoc in the workplace. — location: 906 ^ref-59396

assumed that all of her ostensible efforts to help and support him were sincere. — location: 960 ^ref-18882

It remains as calm and collected as possible as it prepares to pounce on its prey. The intended victim never sees what’s coming. If it does, it’s usually after it’s too late. — location: 975 ^ref-46632

By refraining from overt acts of hostility towards others, they manage to convince themselves and others they’re not the ruthless people they are. — location: 997 ^ref-24234

that how a person used power is the most reliable test of their character. — location: 1041 ^ref-49212

the “evil” in Mr. Jackson is that although he knows how to look good, he has never made the commitment to be good by accepting need for and doing the hard work of disciplining his aggression. — location: 1059 ^ref-17504

whenever you ask something of Amanda she doesn’t want to do or observe something about her behavior you want her to change, she quickly goes on the offensive.” — location: 1244 ^ref-6900

Children aren’t equipped to handle a lot of power. They don’t have the emotional maturity or necessary life experience to wield power responsibly. Through her manipulative expertise, Amanda had corralled far too much power within her family. — location: 1263 ^ref-12130

Not viewing her mother, her teachers or any authority figures as forces to be respected, Amanda thinks entirely too much of herself. And, she thinks that she’s “winning” because she’s successful in using her talents to get her way. But because in the long-run, she is likely to develop a history of social failures, she will have a hard time developing self-respect. — location: 1282 ^ref-32108

parents frequently fail to stroke their children for the one thing for which they can truly claim sole credit: their willingness to work. — location: 1290 ^ref-58162

It’s not what people are given that we should praise, or what they manage to secure, but what they do with their talents and abilities and how hard they work to make an honest, responsible contribution to society. — location: 1292 ^ref-28920

minimizing the nature and impact of their aggressive conduct. “Maybe I touched her once, but I didn’t hit her.” “I pushed her a little, but I didn’t leave any marks,” they might say. They frequently use two “four-letter words” I forbid in therapy: just and only. — location: 1391 ^ref-49934

manipulators — covert-aggressive personalities that they are — are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. — location: 1401 ^ref-5305

suffice. Lying by omission is a very subtle form of lying that manipulators use. So is lying by distortion. Manipulators will withhold a significant amount of the truth from you or distort essential elements the truth to keep you in the dark. — location: 1405 ^ref-22318

How does someone lie by saying only true things? They do so by leaving out facts essential to knowing the bigger picture or “whole story.” — location: 1408 ^ref-35181

Some children who have been labeled as having attention deficits are children who over-utilize selective attention as a manipulative device and a primary means of avoiding responsibility. — location: 1444 ^ref-44118

A person making the effort to listen to what they’d rather not hear and to focus on topics they’d rather avoid altogether has earned my respect. I always try to acknowledge that and reinforce them for really listening. — location: 1457 ^ref-34775

he was only doing his duty by doing as much as he possibly could to “help” his “little girl.” — location: 1470 ^ref-43307

Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. — location: 1478 ^ref-55991

He never gave him a straight answer to a straight question (manipulators are notorious for this). — location: 1486 ^ref-20242

Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they’re trying to give you the slip. — location: 1493 ^ref-65399

“they” (an example in itself of deliberate vagueness) — location: 1505 ^ref-62414

By not doing anything obviously threatening, they can play an effective game of impression management. It’s important for covert-aggressives to have their way with you but still look good. — location: 1518 ^ref-21276

All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don’t care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. — location: 1530 ^ref-56123

a conscientious person might try until they’re blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality or disordered character) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail. — location: 1532 ^ref-15198

Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It’s an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance. — location: 1535 ^ref-30350

The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive. — location: 1561 ^ref-48707

the tactic of vilifying the victim is a powerful means of putting someone unconsciously on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using the tactic. — location: 1565 ^ref-63896

One hallmark characteristic of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance. — location: 1581 ^ref-55485

He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don’t find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way. — location: 1588 ^ref-9285

Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they’re to avoid being taken in by them. — location: 1623 ^ref-17532

It’s impossible to deal effectively with anybody when you start out in a one-down position. — location: 1634 ^ref-52925

If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to make you feel guilty, or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you’re dealing with a person who — no matter what else he may be — is covertly aggressive. — location: 1656 ^ref-41917

You may lack confidence about your ability to face conflicts directly and resolve them effectively. If so, you’re likely to quit asserting yourself prematurely and also likely to go on the defensive too easily when challenged by an aggressive personality. — location: 1677 ^ref-38961

People who are frequently victimized by manipulators tend to be too confused, frustrated and depressed to think clearly or act rationally. The depression they experience results from the same behavior that I believe is a significant factor in most depressions. That is, whenever we persist at fighting a battle we can’t possibly win, a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness ensues that eventually results in depression. — location: 1707 ^ref-675

Once depressed, manipulation victims don’t have the presence of mind or the energy it takes to stand up for themselves. — location: 1713 ^ref-3020

EXCUSES. Don’t buy into any of the many reasons (rationalizations) someone may offer for aggressive, covertly aggressive behavior, or any other inappropriate behavior. If someone’s behavior is wrong or harmful, the rationale they offer is totally irrelevant. — location: 1727 ^ref-53493