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The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

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Highlights

partial memory blocks of earlier events — location: 706 ^ref-18177

a tendency to create chaos by avoiding responsibility and procrastinating, and feeling out of control — location: 722 ^ref-29220

tendency to act impulsively — location: 726 ^ref-5282

tendency to produce higher concentrations of norepinephrine, a brain chemical involved in arousal of your body’s self-defense response. This would mean that your threshold for becoming aroused is lowered, and you are more likely to become anxious when you encounter stresses in life that are reminiscent of childhood fears and experiences, hence more prone to becoming post-traumatic. — location: 734 ^ref-56682

feeling depersonalized, alienated from your feelings and from your sense of yourself. — location: 766 ^ref-9254

Death of a parent — location: 934 ^ref-36396

Injustices within the sibling pecking order — location: 940 ^ref-44714

Chaos and conflict in family structure — location: 941 ^ref-395

Emotional messages that left you in a double-bind — location: 942 ^ref-8776

I was able to look up and be astounded at how painful loss is. Not just mine. All loss. I started to think about the millions of people who’ve suffered this experience before me and the millions to come. I was on intimate terms with human pain. My touch plate of feeling was alive as never before. And I knew I was forever changed by this knowledge. Painful as this was, it was a gift I would never give away. It made me intensely human.” — location: 978 ^ref-32473

recovery is the abandonment grief process turned around. — location: 1008 ^ref-62557

The site of the greatest wound is the site of the greatest healing. — location: 1009 ^ref-60541

for shame, there is genuine humility and dignity; — location: 1016 ^ref-57901

self-assurance; — location: 1016 ^ref-48348

self-care; — location: 1018 ^ref-9904

“I got through my worst moments,” says Amy, “by stopping everything and intently listening for the farthest sound . . . the farthest sound.” — location: 1123 ^ref-15288

Refocus by using one of your senses whenever you notice that your panic has plucked you out of the moment. Staying in the moment is a skill requiring deliberate effort. — location: 1148 ^ref-1638

Some of best healers in our society are those who have been — location: 1181 ^ref-50596

through overwhelming trauma, because they have worked through their shattering. — location: 1181 ^ref-36178

The child fears that unless its urgent pleas are heard, its life is in peril. — location: 1195 ^ref-41419

Withdrawal is the stage when you listen to the child’s cries. You recognize that her needs are your needs; that you must nurture your most important feelings. — location: 1200 ^ref-5542

There are those who try to bypass the withdrawal stage with a replacement for their lost love. But withdrawal is not the time for replacement—that will come soon enough—it is the time to accept yourself and your needs. — location: 1201 ^ref-27955

The effects of withdrawal are cumulative and wavelike. They often have to get worse before they can get better, a point lost on friends who expect to see your desperation dissipate, not mount day after day. — location: 1220 ^ref-50641

highly critical, berating him for every mistake and shortcoming. — location: 1227 ^ref-30732

As a teenager, Keaton didn’t shake the feeling that he needed to prove himself. — location: 1229 ^ref-48169

All ties in to sense of self worth.

sensitive to rejection. — location: 1230 ^ref-34806

belief that he was unworthy of anyone’s love. — location: 1232 ^ref-37475

As adults, we’re capable of regression, too. On some level we all need to be reassured of connections to our loved ones. — location: 1325 ^ref-41490

time to question the complacency of your former life, to decide what is truly important to you. — location: 1353 ^ref-21844

I had this horrible vulnerable feeling all of the time like something bad was set to happen any minute. I was stressed out and ready to drop. — location: 1450 ^ref-24639

“We are surrounded with the blood, gore, death, and dismemberment of our whole lives.” Upon hearing this, Keaton joked, “Don’t you think, Richard, that that’s a bit understated?” — location: 1464 ^ref-52082

childhood separation traumas often lead to lasting changes. — location: 1550 ^ref-36709

The old familiar feelings that you just aren’t enough persist. — location: 1583 ^ref-65265

free-floating anxiety is one of the post-traumatic symptoms of childhood abandonment. — location: 1636 ^ref-7994

By going over the pivotal point of loss, you remind yourself why you feel so out of control, that something traumatic really did happen. — location: 1651 ^ref-35960

You may not have a context memory of your past—and the lack of it may be frustrating to your rational mind, to be sure—but you do have an emotional memory, and that is all you need to make contact with your abandoned child and benefit from the Akeru exercise to follow. — location: 1658 ^ref-18292

use the attachment energy to address your innermost needs—the feelings rising out of your abandonment wounds old and new. — location: 1683 ^ref-61523

LovingKindness, when practiced regularly for as little as seven minutes at a time, impacts well-being and brain function — location: 1689 ^ref-2254

trying to reconstruct childhood memories often proves to be a waste of time, effort, and money for even the most determined souls. — location: 1702 ^ref-43840

I learned for myself that affirmations were not enough to ward off the impact of the abandonment and its potential damage. — location: 2057 ^ref-12558

This numbing helps the bereaved survive the initial trauma, — location: 2141 ^ref-26446

they rarely report being numb to the pain of rejection — location: 2144 ^ref-48436

Love loss and rejection are special kinds of pain that affect your core beliefs about yourself. — location: 2169 ^ref-16973

At the very heart of the shame is the belief that you are undeserving of love—not attachment-worthy—a critical and potentially damaging belief. This is commonly felt by abandonment survivors, but as potent as it is, it is only a feeling, not a fact. It stems from a wound that we can finally cleanse and heal. You are deserving of love, as we all are. — location: 2296 ^ref-18775

people who don’t fight back, who are passive during a crisis, are more likely to develop cancer and other illness. — location: 2368 ^ref-49201

You can and should fight the thought that you are somehow unworthy. Take this time alone to examine your life and vindicate your loss by taking positive action. — location: 2370 ^ref-41870

put you down, — location: 2403 ^ref-21726

showed favoritism to another sibling or compared you unfavorably to a sibling — location: 2406 ^ref-28773

blamed you for their moods and frustrations — location: 2408 ^ref-62078

labeled you irresponsible, lazy, stubborn, selfish, or disorganized — location: 2410 ^ref-27473

treated you like a baby, — location: 2412 ^ref-26526

failing to recognize your maturity and independence — location: 2412 ^ref-5305

failed to give you responsibilities — location: 2413 ^ref-51877

disappointment in your achievements — location: 2415 ^ref-15358

an overachieving sibling — location: 2422 ^ref-17770

this time they cut her off financially. She was abandoned again in a real sense—too — location: 2446 ^ref-28903

Difficulty asserting yourself — location: 2458 ^ref-51143

inhibited in certain situations — location: 2459 ^ref-18732

Difficulty tolerating imperfection in yourself or others — location: 2461 ^ref-4365

Feeling inadequate, not good enough, not up to par — location: 2462 ^ref-40769

Comparing yourself to other people, feeling they have what you don’t — location: 2464 ^ref-21059

Avoiding the spotlight but resenting the lack of recognition you receive — location: 2473 ^ref-34679

Difficulty expressing anger or negative feelings directly — location: 2474 ^ref-34111

Difficulty asking for what you want, especially if it is emotionally important to you — location: 2475 ^ref-9004

Difficulty accepting compliments — location: 2476 ^ref-52952

something rarely recognized as related to self-esteem, yet it is a cornerstone of low self-esteem. It is the need for immediate gratification. — location: 2481 ^ref-8036

Difficulty delaying gratification is common among abandonment survivors of childhood. It is a source of self-sabotage (the domain of the outer child, to be explored in the next chapter); it interferes with your ability to achieve long-range goals, like Holly’s feeling that she could have become a doctor like her brother. — location: 2485 ^ref-17409

Those who can wait for gratification are usually those whose self-esteem is in good supply. — location: 2490 ^ref-20742

The difference is that they feel an urgency rising out of their self-doubt and emotional hunger. It says, “I need a fix now.” — location: 2495 ^ref-50524

You may recall that empty feeling—those times that you felt you needed something you couldn’t get—when — location: 2498 ^ref-39833

You believed yourself unworthy or inadequate in some important way. — location: 2502 ^ref-7881

You grabbed for the quickest, easiest fix you could find—food, television, masturbating, compulsive exercising—anything to stifle those unsettling feelings. — location: 2503 ^ref-7331

They become adults whose need for immediate gratification interferes with major life goals. They find themselves stuck on the bottom rung of the ladder of success and blame themselves for it. — location: 2505 ^ref-7183

self-deprecation that is at the heart of these extremes. — location: 2509 ^ref-17081

they become dependent on anything or anyone capable of soothing, numbing, or distracting them from their emotional hunger. — location: 2511 ^ref-13213

The antidote to these self-reinforcing patterns of dependency and codependent relationships is to dare to name your goals, to pursue your abandoned dreams, and to fight for higher ground (inspired by those baboons). You learn how to reverse self-abandonment. — location: 2512 ^ref-54445

Self-abandonment is about loving yourself only enough to give yourself instant gratifications — location: 2514 ^ref-61448

not enough to postpone those gratifications to take the necessary steps to give yourself what you really desire or need—a trim body, perhaps, or a healthy love relationship, a successful career, or financial stability. Forfeiting our long-range goals to the need for quick fixes is one of the main ways we abandon ourselves. — location: 2515 ^ref-34981

they fight narcissistic injury with narcissistic defenses. — location: 2534 ^ref-34712

four cornerstones of self are not based upon your unique talents. The point is not to enumerate your physical attributes, skills, or professional accomplishments. The cornerstones are more basic, addressing the intrinsic, universal aspects of what it means to be a human being. — location: 2536 ^ref-51308

radical acceptance. — location: 2549 ^ref-3628

Enhancing your capacity to love. — location: 2551 ^ref-37915

You cannot control the love of another, but you can increase your own capacity to give and receive love and all of the benefits that flow from it. — location: 2552 ^ref-16456

People may think they are strong again, but this outward show of strength is usually only the outer child becoming more firmly entrenched than before. — location: 2717 ^ref-64258

focus your regrets on the circumstances of your breakup and not on presumed inadequacies that you’ve been blaming for ending your relationship. — location: 2892 ^ref-31415

Railing against reality is a form of rage that postpones accepting your situation. — location: 2941 ^ref-41201

To have serenity, he could not afford to expend his energy railing against reality. — location: 2962 ^ref-59317

Resentment is low-grade anger that boils just beneath the surface. Even as you begin to get a handle on acute episodes of rage, resentments tend to build. Every day, you deal with repercussions of your loss, indignities of being left, like taking in the groceries by yourself or going to the movies alone. — location: 2976 ^ref-45966

You might resent explaining the absence — location: 2979 ^ref-61686

“Slowly, my resentment began to subside—but it meant going out and getting myself a new life. For every bad thing, I was going to have to find a good thing to take its place.” — location: 2993 ^ref-18398

Emotionally they’re unable to tolerate any break in their connections, even with casual acquaintances. Instead, they accede to whatever the other person expects from them. Their own identity is submerged in the need to be loved and not to be abandoned. — location: 3067 ^ref-41383

Do you have a problem separating yourself from others’ needs and expectations? — location: 3069 ^ref-20264

Communicating with your lost loved one—standing your ground and sharing your own thoughts and feelings—is one way to practice becoming separate. — location: 3073 ^ref-61455

“So I told her, ‘Roberta, last week, when you reacted to me like I was some sort of nuisance, I felt angry and defensive. I’m telling you this because I would like to be open with you about my feelings. This isn’t easy for me. I’m just as vulnerable as you are.’ — location: 3079 ^ref-36436

it was being able to say what I felt that made me feel better. — location: 3082 ^ref-35288

The rage process enables us to break the bonds that have robbed us of our self-expression. Once free of those bonds, you can begin to dismantle old people-pleasing patterns and assert your own preferences, needs, and truth. — location: 3084 ^ref-7107

all of the times I held her hostage because of my own insecurity and took my anger out on her. — location: 3092 ^ref-29917

many abandonment survivors rewrite the closure of their relationships by acknowledging things about their own personalities they would like to work on. — location: 3095 ^ref-25819

Making amends and taking responsibility for your part in a troubled relationship can help resolve some of its unfinished business. — location: 3096 ^ref-50468

difficulty controlling the way we express anger. Many have trouble asserting anger in a productive way. We flip-flop between overreacting or underreacting. Our attempts to fight back often miss the mark. — location: 3100 ^ref-63965

I know all the right things to say, but when the moment comes to stand up for myself, I freeze. — location: 3102 ^ref-52493

One of the reasons aggressive feelings are so often displaced is related to the special nature of abandonment grief—it’s often endured in silence and secrecy. There are few socially sanctioned outlets for expressing it. Is this bottled-up anger at the source of the condition that can also be diagnosed as agitated depression? — location: 3114 ^ref-13844

I've been known to be a happy person

depression is multifaceted. The effects are observed on many levels—psychological, physiological, neurochemical, and even molecular—all of which interact to create a complex condition that we experience as being depressed. — location: 3119 ^ref-49068

people who have difficulty releasing their anger are more prone to depression. — location: 3123 ^ref-14950

They also show diminished immune resistance. — location: 3124 ^ref-63970

The situation temporarily subordinates our desires to someone else’s. — location: 3128 ^ref-30571

we can manage stress (and the depression that rises from it) by transforming rage energy into activity directed toward a goal. — location: 3150 ^ref-63102

This simple communication helped her overcome wide-scale rejection and fear of abandonment. — location: 3160 ^ref-27463

Your outer child has been the hidden saboteur in your life. — location: 3192 ^ref-36275

selfish, controlling, narcissistic, self-centered part of all of us. — location: 3229 ^ref-33302

Outer Child steps right in and takes over, even if we had every intention of handling a particular situation in a mature, adult manner. Outer Child handles things in its own manner, ranting and blowing its cool, and leaving us holding the bag. — location: 3239 ^ref-2687

can dominate your personality — location: 3241 ^ref-43895

likes to blame its faults on your mate. It tries to get you to imagine that your unacceptable traits belong to your mate. — location: 3248 ^ref-43653

doesn’t like to do things that are good for you. — location: 3249 ^ref-7943

  1. Outer Child is a hedonist. — location: 3251 ^ref-45881

distracts you when you’re trying to concentrate. — location: 3255 ^ref-54055

world-class procrastinator. Its favorite ploy is avoidance. Outer Child is a compulsive overavoider. — location: 3257 ^ref-35820

makes huge messes that take forever to clean — location: 3259 ^ref-63599

late for appointments. — location: 3260 ^ref-57221

tries to look cool and makes you look foolish. — location: 3263 ^ref-34548

the yes but of the personality. — location: 3264 ^ref-7046

reactive rather than active or reflective. — location: 3265 ^ref-47847

Outer Child hates asking for help or directions. It’s stubborn, ornery, blind, and pigheaded. — location: 3268 ^ref-56989

secretly a coward, afraid to assert its needs. — location: 3269 ^ref-10705

specializes in blame; if it has an uncomfortable feeling, somebody must be at fault. — location: 3272 ^ref-39596

acts on its own, rather than consulting you, the adult. — location: 3276 ^ref-2325

can’t stand waiting, — location: 3279 ^ref-2851

doesn’t like to show its vulnerability; it keeps its injuries hidden. — location: 3280 ^ref-28553

demand, defy, deceive, ignore, balk, manipulate, seduce, pout, whine, and retaliate to get its needs for acceptance and approval met. — location: 3281 ^ref-885

wants what it wants immediately. Yesterday. — location: 3286 ^ref-43109

Hopefully, our mate’s outer child doesn’t act out against us. — location: 3289 ^ref-45040

strives for its own self-interest while pretending to protect Little. But your outer child wants one thing only: control. — location: 3294 ^ref-5271

tests the people it looks to for security—to the limits. — location: 3299 ^ref-18352

Its favorite is playing hard to get. — location: 3300 ^ref-13885

can be very cunning, putting its best foot forward when pursuing a new partner. It can act the picture of altruism, decency, kindness, and tolerance. — location: 3301 ^ref-18547

seductive, funny, charming, and full of life. When it succeeds in catching its prey, it suddenly becomes cold, critical, unloving, and sexually withholding. Outer Child makes us pity the person willing to love us. — location: 3303 ^ref-2783

addict, — location: 3305 ^ref-56983

enjoys breaking rules. — location: 3307 ^ref-63868

Outer Child just goes right on doing what it wants to do. — location: 3309 ^ref-33481

the task of intimacy, which is to get your inner child to become friends with your mate’s inner child. — location: 3313 ^ref-32737

Intimacy is when you nurture each other’s inner child and don’t take each other’s outer child too personally. — location: 3314 ^ref-27793

instantly get into power struggles. It is futile to try to control each other’s outer children. Your best bet is to find something for your outer children to do other than interfere in the relationship. If you can’t ignore them, send them out to play. — location: 3316 ^ref-30174

Outer Child is addicted to the biochemistry and drama of abandonment. — location: 3319 ^ref-39826

wants what it wants—emotional candy. — location: 3324 ^ref-1141

can’t resist a lover who won’t commit. Hmmm, sexy! — location: 3326 ^ref-36966

rage phase of old abandonments when there was no one available to mitigate your pain. — location: 3329 ^ref-28750

believes laws and ethics are for everyone else. — location: 3331 ^ref-21101

can dish it out but can’t take it. — location: 3333 ^ref-9368

loves chocolate and convinces you that it’s good for your heart. Likewise with wine. — location: 3335 ^ref-60650

beats up on other people’s inner children—especially the inner child of a significant other. — location: 3336 ^ref-17319

That is what intimacy is all about: the exposure of your outer children. — location: 3344 ^ref-31145

finds someone to take for granted and treats them badly without having to fear rejection. — location: 3347 ^ref-25378

It disguises the chip on its shoulder as assertiveness: — location: 3354 ^ref-41942

doesn’t obey the golden rule. — location: 3356 ^ref-29283

Get others to treat you as you want to be treated, and treat others as you feel like treating them. — location: 3357 ^ref-5878

needs to be disciplined, — location: 3359 ^ref-28373

Parents humiliated you when you expressed feelings; — location: 3817 ^ref-17597

There may be parts of you that were simply lost or forgotten. Cumulatively, these neglected interests created an empty space, a hungry hole you’ve been trying to fill ever since. — location: 3844 ^ref-415

many seek out a great catch to compensate for their damaged self-esteem. — location: 4011 ^ref-56678

you’re seeking intimacy, not a narcissistic extension to fix your wounded ego. — location: 4013 ^ref-788

“it was insecurity about myself that landed me with a person like Travis—the — location: 4048 ^ref-53715

myself. I wouldn’t even consider getting to know someone who had any obvious flaws, especially anything that showed on the outside. — location: 4064 ^ref-30868

Wasn’t it just another way of negating who I was, of abandoning myself?” — location: 4068 ^ref-27822

critical, — location: 4073 ^ref-29818

weakness for the put-down types,” — location: 4093 ^ref-55573

She wasn’t open and vulnerable enough for me. — location: 4122 ^ref-61500

get to know people who are on my emotional level—the — location: 4150 ^ref-6651

“I’m listening to my needs instead of my need to prove myself,” — location: 4151 ^ref-1528

partners who seem good for their inner child but who aren’t good for their adult selves. — location: 4177 ^ref-7465

we really couldn’t give each other what the other needed—which — location: 4184 ^ref-46966

The key is to strike an emotional compromise between the needs of both the adult self and the child self. — location: 4186 ^ref-23879

there are many beautiful people who are capable of love and commitment who may not arouse the intoxicating love chemistry of insecurity or match old expectations or the societal notions of a good match. — location: 4204 ^ref-25942

There is no perfect mate. There is only the love, caring, and respect you create between yourself and an emotionally capable person. — location: 4206 ^ref-35953

At the heart of any successful relationship is sustained emotional — location: 4214 ^ref-47174

openness. — location: 4215 ^ref-63388

that connectedness to self and others is the key to life. Only love counts. — location: 4222 ^ref-21894

the ultimate gift of abandonment is the opportunity to increase our capacity for love. — location: 4224 ^ref-65122

we live our lives using only a fraction of our capacity to express and experience love. — location: 4226 ^ref-62025

At the heart of a socially conscious person is a greater wisdom about love. — location: 4234 ^ref-11681

you can generate love within yourself, even when you are feeling most isolated. Love is an action, an attitude, a creative process. It grows with wisdom and often relies on initiative and self-discipline. Commit yourself to take the necessary action steps toward reaching it. — location: 4239 ^ref-48047

As their love capacity expands, it obliterates the need for narcissistic gratifications. The key is to remain open to your feelings—to be on honest emotional terms with the world around you. — location: 4242 ^ref-30334

At least once a day, make a conscious effort to practice being mindful, caring, and open when you are with another person, be it a stranger, relative, friend, child, or lover. — location: 4254 ^ref-45419

but it is a chance to practice being open to your own and your friend’s essence. — location: 4268 ^ref-7852

Step outside your usual circle of friends and activities — location: 4446 ^ref-35681

Initiate new contacts with at least ten people and explore different aspfects of your personality that may not have found expression before. — location: 4447 ^ref-34532

Share your higher self with significant others. — location: 4452 ^ref-57314

opening your life to new experiences. — location: 4472 ^ref-52739

“I felt that I had been stuck in my job situation long enough,” said Sanford. “The people at work didn’t seem to respond to me the way I wanted them to. Even when I did things entirely differently, changes I made went unrecognized. So I changed jobs. It took a colossal effort. I spent all my free time visualizing my new job, then redesigning my résumé and going on job interviews. But I finally landed a job. I was on a whole new playing field. “I started out on new footing and created a whole new image. It was to my advantage that nobody knew me, because I was able to set things up the way I wanted right from scratch. — location: 4473 ^ref-36157

I was able to change the way I usually related to people much easier because they weren’t reacting to me with the same old biased expectations.” — location: 4478 ^ref-3604

You might make a friend, a professional contact, or simply a memory of an interesting encounter. — location: 4498 ^ref-11380

come clean with another person, you break through the shame barrier, exposing your deepest fears and insecurities. — location: 4512 ^ref-56501

It isn’t about me, it’s about what happened to me. I am worthy, alone or not. I have a lot of love to give and that makes me valuable.” — location: 4517 ^ref-24378

Being honest about her real fears allowed her to become her real self. She’d given up her false cheerfulness and traded it in for genuine depth of feeling and vulnerability. — location: 4519 ^ref-42207

“The first time I told someone how I felt,” said Keaton, “I felt extremely vulnerable, but as I felt the other person accepting me, — location: 4521 ^ref-2110

“When I tell people about some of my outer child traits,” said Sanford, “they get a kick out of it. They catch on to the idea, — location: 4525 ^ref-23433

Unencumbered by Outer’s defenses, you can be more emotionally present and honest. — location: 4527 ^ref-21527

As you continue to come clean in your relationships, the abandoned child is released from the bondage of secrecy. — location: 4528 ^ref-58264

Being rigorously honest with yourself and with select others cleanses your abandonment wound. Once you are able to break through the secret of shame, healing begins on a deeper level. — location: 4533 ^ref-58342

my higher self was really a loving and caring person,” — location: 4539 ^ref-44393

As I helped her, — location: 4543 ^ref-57471

I discovered a whole new Jay.” — location: 4543 ^ref-35960

continue reaching out for new activities and sharing yourself honestly and openly, — location: 4544 ^ref-32583

expanded recognition of your capabilities and needs as a person, you are able to set new standards for yourself and new expectations for relationships to come. You are becoming your higher self. — location: 4545 ^ref-46092

I wish someone had been there for me like that when I went through all the stuff I did as a kid or when I was going through my breakup with Carlotta. — location: 4549 ^ref-6512

at least I could be there for my own kid. — location: 4550 ^ref-27746

If only I could find someone who I could feel as comfortable with as I do with John. Then, that gave me a new thought—about John.” — location: 4559 ^ref-27334

emotional high that raises your self-esteem by extension. — location: 4561 ^ref-21668

someone who can complement the substance and sensitivity you have gained through your experience. — location: 4562 ^ref-35589

you need to surrender the losses of the past. Accept yourself as you are. You have a unique constellation of feelings and endowments. No one else can judge you or direct the course of your life. Your task is to honor it all. — location: 4568 ^ref-20109

Remain open to your partner’s most basic fears, needs, and vulnerabilities as well. — location: 4574 ^ref-29538

has it already found me and I just can’t see it yet? I’ve decided to stick around and find out.” — location: 4579 ^ref-12034

there is always much more love to embrace in the relationships we already have and the ones we are creating. — location: 4581 ^ref-11147

The secret to reconnecting is to cherish the gift that abandonment has given you, to remain open to your vulnerabilities and to the vulnerabilities of others. Maintaining emotional contact creates a bridge to true relationships. — location: 4582 ^ref-10120

Paradoxically, many of them were abandoned themselves, but the experience left them callused, numb, and desensitized, rather than more compassionate. — location: 4610 ^ref-6009

the greatest gift of love to offer the other: freedom from fear. — location: 4615 ^ref-40512