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The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition

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You are upset not so much about concrete issues — how much time to spend with each other, where to go on vacation, etc. — as about the communication in the relationship: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say. — location: 247 ^ref-64296

we come to the realization that we can neither accept nor tolerate the devaluation of another person. For by such acceptance we devalue ourselves. — location: 426 ^ref-64069

“Oh! That would be nice. We don’t have that much in checking right now but we could probably get half the wood now and half later.” “If we don’t have it, we don’t have it!” Bert yelled angrily. “But I’m sure we can afford it. Do you want to plan a budget with me?” “We’re not planning a budget,” Bert replied angrily. “What about the decks?” Bella asked. “I’m not going to discuss it,” Bert continued. “You spend money on anything you want.” “No I don’t. Besides, I’d be happy to plan a budget with you.” With rage Bert shouted, “You’re going on and on! You always have to have the last word!” — location: 532 ^ref-33480

The partners of verbal abusers are often determined to understand and express themselves more adequately in order to achieve more understanding in their relationship. Consequently, the partner may try to explain to the abuser that she isn’t, for example, thinking what the abuser says she is thinking, saying what the abuser says she is saying, or acting as the abuser says she is acting; that she doesn’t mean what the abuser says she means or intend what the abuser says she intends. And each time she explains what she is really thinking, doing, or saying, what she means or intends, the abuser negates her in some way. The partner is left with a deep sense of frustration. — location: 844 ^ref-26979

The partner of the abuser hopes that in time her relationship will improve. She may realize that communication is difficult with her mate, but she may also hope that once she understands him and he understands her they will both be happier. With the hope of preventing future abuse, she may ask, for example, that before he gets upset he ask her what she meant. — location: 867 ^ref-27319

change, if he becomes angrier and more abusive or more manipulative and confusing, if she asks him to stop it and he refuses or continues to deny the abuse, she may grow to fear his anger and his unpredictability. At the same time she may fear the loss of love and the security she believed she had in the relationship. — location: 892 ^ref-8572

The partner of a verbal abuser usually feels startled or shocked when her mate is suddenly irritated or angry, puts her down, or is sarcastic. Since verbal abuse is, in essence, unexpected and unpredictable, the partner is often relaxed, serene, happy, or enthusiastic about something when she is suddenly thrown off balance, or shocked by her mate. — location: 900 ^ref-27639

The abuser blames the partner for upsetting interactions, and the partner believes him and therefore thinks that they are her fault. — location: 931 ^ref-10815

I realized that if I expressed a thought, Bert would argue against it. — location: 997 ^ref-46204

the interaction which upsets, hurts, or confuses her often communicates disdain for her interests. — location: 1000 ^ref-60934

following the interactions which upset, hurt, or confuse her, her mate does not seem to seek reconciliation or even to be bothered by the incident. — location: 1007 ^ref-39425

when I’d approach him he’d say that there was nothing to talk about — there was no problem and he wasn’t upset. He never approached me to reach an understanding. — location: 1010 ^ref-48113

Many partners experience a growing sense of isolation, especially from their own families or from like-minded friends. — location: 1018 ^ref-57681

An argumentative and opposing abuser may say that his partner is always trying to start a fight. — location: 1023 ^ref-21459

disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. — location: 1090 ^ref-42007

When a couple is having a real argument about a real issue, like how to discipline their children or how much time to spend apart or together, both parties may feel angry but they can say, “This is what I’m feeling angry about …” or “This is what I want,” and eventually, if there is goodwill on both their parts, the issue is resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse and this issue is not resolved. Another way to say this is that there is no closure. — location: 1108 ^ref-51665

Noting this transition from verbal to physical abuse is important because the clinical experience of therapists who treat battered women provides evidence that all battered women have been verbally abused. — location: 1127 ^ref-60799

in Reality I walls are required. Distance is also required. Both walls and distance keep the “enemy” from getting too close. The verbal abuser, consciously or unconsciously, sees his partner as an enemy or certainly as a threat who must be controlled. Consequently, the verbal abuser may wage a kind of war with his words — usually unbeknown to, and not understood by, his partner. His words are his weapons, and these weapons are the categories of verbal abuse. — location: 1142 ^ref-38206

there must be more than the exchange of information. A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. — location: 1151 ^ref-3488

The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing something or watching television while saying, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” — location: 1180 ^ref-50921

“Why should I tell you if I like it; you’ll do what you want anyway.” — location: 1184 ^ref-14530

Functional information is, of course, important, but it cannot be the only form of communication — location: 1187 ^ref-65492

Two other kinds of communication are also important. These are communications which engage another and communications which respond to another. — location: 1187 ^ref-4410

This partner tried to explain to her mate that she simply had a different experience from him. He told her that both her experience and her feelings were wrong. She said that he was so angry she thought they must be wrong. — location: 1223 ^ref-12251

Critical statements made about you to others are abusive. These are “you” statements turned into “she” statements. Following are some examples: — location: 1319 ^ref-49779

Criticism disguised as help or advice is abusive. — location: 1333 ^ref-27453

Some examples are more clear, others make me wonder about actual times of genuine suggestions. Just dont be an asshole?

Who asked you? Nobody asked your opinion. You always have to put in your — location: 1369 ^ref-45484

Often responses to intended neutral comments or potential advice. Not intended to judge

Everyone forgets what happened now and then. However, consistently forgetting interactions which have a great impact on another person is verbally abusive denial. — location: 1396 ^ref-51005

I never said that. You’re making that all up. — location: 1411 ^ref-5053

The partners of verbal abusers know that explaining what they really said, meant, or did has never brought an apology such as “Oh, I’m so sorry to have snapped, shouted, or yelled at you. Will you forgive me?” — location: 1426 ^ref-46036

It is also important for the partner to fully realize that there is no “way she can be” to prevent the abuser from venting his anger on her. Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more supportive, more interesting, more learned, more fun, thinner, cuter, or classier — being more anything will not work. — location: 1431 ^ref-15467

If the abuser were to admit that his partner were not the cause of his anger, he would have to face himself and his own feelings. In most cases, abusers are unwilling to do this. — location: 1440 ^ref-4355

The verbal abuser’s anger is free-floating and irrational. It has nothing to do with the partner. It does, however, affect her deeply. — location: 1459 ^ref-12615

As Ann put it, “He loves me. He just doesn’t like me.” — location: 1467 ^ref-4765

For as long as he can deny his responsibility for his anger and can accuse his partner of causing it, the abuser can continue to maintain his equilibrium and to get a high at his partner’s expense. — location: 1480 ^ref-64846

their mates feel good when they feel so hurt. — location: 1482 ^ref-52838

In general the anger addict’s attitude is, “How can I be doing anything wrong when I feel so right?” — location: 1487 ^ref-26609

Abusive anger diminishes the partner’s desire for sexual intimacy. When this occurs, the abuser then accuses her of being uncaring and unfeeling, and she may think that something is wrong with her. — location: 1496 ^ref-47474

“Sarcasm is the tip of the iceberg which conceals a mountain of anger.” — location: 1511 ^ref-30220

any physical assault and destruction of your property is a demonstration of abusive anger. — location: 1513 ^ref-3639

Who has not heard “You have nothing to cry about,” said either to herself or to someone else. Even if a parent must refuse his child another piece of candy and the child cries, the child might be comforted: “I know you miss it and want it, yet I cannot give it to you.” Thus the child learns early in her father’s arms to grieve her losses rather than to believe that the irrational “You have nothing to cry about,” is rational, real, and logical. — location: 1537 ^ref-18817

If the partner is told with gradually increasing frequency that she is illogical, too sensitive, always trying to start an argument, competitive, always has to be right, etc., she may become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experiencing more and more self-doubt. This conditioning is like brainwashing. It may extend beyond herself to her family, her interests, and her most cherished ideals. — location: 1559 ^ref-33475

I gradually began to think he was in touch with the real world and I and my family weren’t. I became confused. Actually, when I thought about my relatives, I realized they were highly respected and had made real contributions to society. Still I felt like there was something wrong with my background — like his family was more solid. Actually, now I can see that none of this was true. It was like brainwashing. — location: 1563 ^ref-49388

“control over all forms of communication.” — location: 1575 ^ref-43590

He will take any response as adversarial because he does not want to acknowledge his irrational anger. He assumes that his partner is in his reality of Power Over. He thinks, “Aha! You are questioning me, trying to make me look bad, and trying to be right!” — location: 1652 ^ref-18753

He’s angry because he wants to vent his anger with complete impunity. — location: 1658 ^ref-16220

He felt that she was opposing him and that he might be losing his Power Over her. — location: 1659 ^ref-6197

the partner’s efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy are rejected out of hand by the abuser because to him they are adversarial. This is so because, if he isn’t feeling Power Over his partner, he is feeling that she must be trying to overpower him. There is no mutuality in his reality. — location: 1660 ^ref-54193

If he counters all her views, she may believe that he really respects her views but just can’t accept the fact that she has them because he seems to think differently from her and so can’t understand her. In this case, the partner fits what she hears from her mate into her reality of mutuality. — location: 1668 ^ref-33447

If he criticizes her words out of context, she may fit this criticism into her reality of mutuality by assuming that he is upset because he is trying very hard to follow her thinking but he can’t unless she speaks with more accuracy or learns to understand how he thinks. — location: 1677 ^ref-35765

If she believes that he sees the world as she does, that he shares her reality, it is easier for the partner to think her mate is crazy than to recognize that he is abusive. — location: 1686 ^ref-35380

The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy. The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view. — location: 1714 ^ref-38187

The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real. — location: 1716 ^ref-57156

The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive. — location: 1716 ^ref-39840

The right to live free from accusation and blame. The right to live free from criticism and judgment. The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect. — location: 1718 ^ref-44609

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage. The right to be called by no name that devalues you. The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered. — location: 1721 ^ref-8466

If you have never felt a sense of understanding and resolution after talking over a hurtful incident with your mate, you have been severely abused. If you have been with a verbal abuser for a number of years, you have been severely abused. — location: 1756 ^ref-24965

If the abuser continues to deny the abuse, then his denial locks him into a more-or-less permanent psychological stance. The abuser who denies all, is unwilling to discuss the issue, and remains hostile does not want to change. In order to change, he would have to break though his denial, admit to the abuse, and work through the issues which left him with such a great need for dominance and Power Over. — location: 1847 ^ref-63236

If the partner recognizes that her mate is living in Reality I, and that he is unwilling or unable to change, she will face the loss of her hope for his companionship, partnership, love, and acceptance. She must decide if she needs to remove herself from the abusive relationship and how she can best protect and nourish herself and the spirit of life at her center. — location: 1867 ^ref-27134

Write him a letter, if that is easier. Also, tell him that you haven’t been happy with some of the things you’ve heard from him; that you want to have a really good relationship with him; that you would like to see some changes in communication; that in the past you have tried to explain to him what bothered you about some of his behaviors; and that you don’t feel that you have been successful. — location: 1933 ^ref-43072

The adult who is still name calling not only is disturbing but may also be dangerous. — location: 1952 ^ref-27983

To the four-year-old, his view is the only view. The child wants the world to be fixed and sure. The mature adult recognizes that it isn’t — that there are as many points of view as there are people. — location: 1955 ^ref-24265

“Stop that!” she uses her anger to protect herself. This constructive use of anger is quite different from destructive blame and accusation. Destructive blame (“You know what you did!”) and accusation (“You’re just trying to get out of it!”) are forms of abusive anger. — location: 1962 ^ref-32463

if he cannot or will not stop yelling at you even when you tell him to “Stop!” and if he is determined that you cause his anger, you cannot expect results. — location: 1997 ^ref-39540

sympathetic and understanding witness to a child’s suffering is a crucial prerequisite to empathy in adulthood. — location: 2514 ^ref-30161

To say “I think” or “I believe” or “My view is” would remove the possibility of winning over and would open up the possibility of two differing views or experiences both being OK. — location: 2591 ^ref-59119

The need to control the conversation and hence the outcome may be so intense that some abusers will say with angry apprehension, “I don’t see where this conversation is going! So just drop it!” — location: 2597 ^ref-27395

Trivializing, undermining, threatening, and name calling are all defenses against repressed feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. They are power plays designed by the abuser to denigrate and diminish his partner (his projection). — location: 2607 ^ref-30970

The verbal abuser thinks an explanation is the same thing as an argument or a fight. — location: 2888 ^ref-49573

Like all verbal abuse, accusing is a negative lie told to or about the partner. (When told to others, it is called slander.) — location: 2972 ^ref-31525

The abuser judges, then criticizes — and in criticizing, accuses the partner of acting or being wrong. — location: 2973 ^ref-7162

Accusations are often unexpected attacks that are not based on any external conversation, problem, or argument. They seem to come from out of the blue. — location: 2974 ^ref-28866

This form of verbal abuse attempts to destroy the very core nature of the partner. It seems inexplicable. Please note that this extremely toxic abuse, when it occurs in a relationship, is a constant through months and years. If it doesn’t show up until the relationship ends, it may simply be the partner’s angry outburst in reaction to years of abuse. — location: 2978 ^ref-24143

slandering the partner to the community, to the courts, and/or to the children when the relationship ends. — location: 2981 ^ref-13117

You just had to hang it where you wanted. You steamrolled right over me, as usual.” This kind of accusing is destructive to the very core of the partner. If the partners of these toxic abusers try to explain their motives and define what actually was going on (“I asked you several times where you wanted it”), they are again attacked with accusations such as, “You always have to win” or “All you care about is winning!” — location: 2990 ^ref-7160

Sometimes, accusing behavior arises not out of crazymaking on the part of the abuser but rather out of jealousy, a hidden resentment, or an emotional or developmental disorder. — location: 2995 ^ref-47225

Withholding is a form of shunning used by some religious groups to punish those who don’t conform. The impact on the partner cannot be overemphasized. The social-emotional deprivation itself can create depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical symptoms just as surely as light deprivation can bring about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). — location: 3015 ^ref-19882

Directive and pathologizing therapy takes a one-up position. In effect, it says, “I have expert knowledge that you don’t have and therefore I have power over you, so I can confront you, direct you, tell you what to do.” The abuse of power in the “therapeutic” relationship is an outcome of therapy based in Reality I. — location: 3109 ^ref-19901

Many people who have suffered from verbal abuse feel an almost overwhelming need to hear their abuser acknowledge that the abuse is unjustified — that it is abuse. — location: 3197 ^ref-30166

“This search for an explanation of men’s abusiveness and violence sometimes borders on being a search for an apology: ‘How could he be any different, poor thing? — look how he grew up!’ — location: 3207 ^ref-30817

Sometimes a parent may inadvertently teach a child to put up with abuse. It is sometimes helpful to ask yourself, “Is there anything in what I’ve said that minimizes the abuse?” — location: 3325 ^ref-38710

If children are not raised in a peaceful and loving home, having both parents in the home does not make it healthier. — location: 3355 ^ref-26938

children can be better off in a nonabusive single-parent home than in one in which abuse takes place. — location: 3357 ^ref-27556

Use responses to verbal abuse that may wake up the abuser, such as: — location: 3436 ^ref-27243

You don’t know what I think. You don’t know what my motives are. — location: 3438 ^ref-48034

Protect your children by standing up to the abuser in front of them. Say, “What you just said is not okay” or “This is a safe house, we don’t yell at people here.” — location: 3439 ^ref-7625