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Victory Over Verbal Abuse

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The perpetrator defines your inner world as if he or she were living within you. — location: 55 ^ref-28338

Verbal abuse is a lie told to you, about you, or about someone else. It is most insidious when the accusations are perpetrated through implication. — location: 65 ^ref-19016

some controllers disparage their partner in front of their children and so attempt to bond together with the children against the partner. — location: 76 ^ref-16084

Victory over verbal abuse is victory for consciousness, while verbal abuse seeks its destruction. — location: 86 ^ref-34300

If someone has defined your inner world, told you what you are, what you think, feel, want, and so forth, you have heard verbal abuse. — location: 101 ^ref-27887

any negative behavior or attitude, from the silent treatment to subtle implications, interrogations, accusations, threats, name-calling, or any other abuse. — location: 163 ^ref-27241

Sometimes the transition from being in control of your life to having absolutely no control is swift, but other times it is so gradual that you wonder exactly when it truly began. — location: 169 ^ref-26027

an old college classmate who told her he remembered her as a confident, vibrant, and dynamic person. That was when she realized the degree to which she had lost herself, for she was no longer the confident person she’d been. — location: 184 ^ref-15786

no one can define your inner world and that verbal abuse is irrational and ridiculous, — location: 199 ^ref-58065

verbal abuse is not only a lie told to you about you, it may also be a lie told to others about you. And conversely, a lie told to you about others. — location: 225 ^ref-53724

Throughout her marriage her husband had consistently and subtly disparaged her parents and relatives. As time passed, his comments ridiculed and even made fun of them, and gradually he convinced her of his views. — location: 235 ^ref-15956

They felt like they needed to report to their spouse about what they were doing but, at the same time, they did not want to tell him. — location: 288 ^ref-21511

They were all acting, or about to act, on their own behalf without permission from a man. — location: 297 ^ref-23606

If you have felt dread when acting on your own behalf without permission from a significant other, — location: 305 ^ref-39288

You know you cannot reason with an irrational person. You don’t react defensively. Instead, you respond with disbelief. Here are some suggestions: • “What?” • “What did you say?” • “Did you just tell me what I am?” — location: 323 ^ref-64310

“Did you just tell me what I do? That is so silly. You are not me and do not know what I am, or what I am doing, or my motives.” — location: 326 ^ref-15526

you don’t say to the abuser what the abuser says to you; — location: 351 ^ref-41256

  1. Don’t blame yourself for not making the relationship work. — location: 402 ^ref-47126

Develop confidence and self-esteem. Stay focused on your goals. A positive attitude and even the smallest success can increase your self-esteem. — location: 412 ^ref-57234

Pursue your passion to always bring meaning to your life. Some examples are to be an artist, singer, songwriter, yoga practitioner, volunteer. — location: 440 ^ref-64742

Don’t define you and your inner world • Ask you about you, rather than only talk about themselves • Share themselves with you rather than remain secretive • Are spontaneous, not compulsive • Are calm, not angry • Are conversational, not silent • Are expressive, not stilted • Express empathy and understanding, not anger • Apologize if they make a mistake, not blame you — location: 446 ^ref-22552

If you find yourself going over conversations and trying to figure out why the abuser didn’t really understand how you felt, it is because he couldn’t. — location: 494 ^ref-28280

If you try it once or twice—“I felt hurt when you said that”—and it doesn’t elicit an apology, there is no evidence that it ever will work. — location: 497 ^ref-65194

He heard the accusation, “You have to have everything your way.” He asked, “What do you mean?” — location: 506 ^ref-45930

Abusers do not hear explanations. They see them as attacks and fight back. — location: 513 ^ref-11519

Abusing back doesn’t work. — location: 531 ^ref-28510

abusers define their partners as if they were living within them and knew their inner world: what they are, their motives, thoughts, feelings, and so forth. — location: 611 ^ref-37698

Abusers act as if they were omniscient while not conscious of their projection. This is why abusers don’t feel crazy or irrational when defining another person. — location: 645 ^ref-48775

Verbal abuse, covertly or overtly, defines a person’s very being. People who are defined negatively from birth on suffer tremendously, although as a child they may adapt to, and normalize, everything happening to them. They may, then, as adults, be depressed and confused. They may not even realize that they are being verbally abused nor how it is impacting them. A person who has been slammed with verbal abuse may feel like giving up, like dying. Their emotional pain and mental anguish may be so great they self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. They may have had no name for what they suffered. — location: 686 ^ref-21785

you may, with therapy and support, stop expecting a partner to be that which was lost within you: — location: 720 ^ref-40151

His dream woman (projected feminine side—the lost part of himself) disappeared before his very eyes. Real woman appeared. All he knew then was the rage he felt at losing the rest of himself. — location: 734 ^ref-12436

the difference between a partner who stays in an abusive relationship for years and one who leaves in the first few years is their childhood experience. If the partner grew up in an abusive family atmosphere, the partner will be inclined to endure the abuse longer. Everything is their fault, they learn from infancy on. — location: 773 ^ref-65224

he was not capable of seeing me and hearing me; I did nothing to justify his behavior. — location: 786 ^ref-48595

“They don’t have to learn anything to look good to others. They look good to others because their lost self is not projected into others. The other person is not ‘the rest of’ them.” — location: 863 ^ref-55257

If you wish to grow beyond where you are now, your resolve to do so will serve you well. — location: 877 ^ref-44573

The abuser is most reactive to you when you are being you. The more you show up, the more the abuser feels attacked, rejected, or irritated. — location: 925 ^ref-40893

many of the “disorders” described by the medical profession and the pharmaceutical industry originate with trauma. — location: 1032 ^ref-34668

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing — location: 1045 ^ref-10723